I don’t hate the Super Bowl. I don’t know where that came from. I dislike the Wing Bowl, which I believe is one of the biggest reasons why the rest of the world hates America and why the rest of America thinks Philadelphia and Philadelphians are ugly. At least that’s what Americans told a slick travel magazine a few months ago.
But that’s a different story. In the meantime let’s just be glad that the Wing Bowl is a radio event because I saw pictures of the contestants, the deejays and the scantily clad women hired to flash the audience and… how do we put this delicately… um… bowwow.
Look, I’m not George Hamilton, but geez. Cover up, people!
Anyway, the Super Bowl is set to be played sometime this weekend. That means we will be deluged with many of the worst parts of America not excluding crass commercialism, marketing and consumerism. In fact, some folks claim they watch the Super Bowl just for the new commercials. Really. Now how pathetic is that?
“Please, please, please tell me what to buy and how to think. Yes, yes, I know that if I drink your brand of light beer I will be as fiendishly clever and debonair as those hipsters with their meticulously messy haircuts and cavalier outlook on life. Drink up!
“That Spuds McKenzie! Rock on!”
Like Major League Baseball, the NFL has an alcohol problem it doesn’t want to admit. But we’ll save that issue for another time – or at least until the city police decides to set up DUI checkpoints outside the Linc after Sunday home games. Meanwhile, the beer companies have a problem because they can no longer produce commercials like this:
Never mind the fact that the Super Bowl is to football fans what New Year’s Eve is to those on the pro party circuit – it’s strictly amateur hour. But be that as it is, you make sure you tune into the game. Missing it would is like being stuck at home while everyone else is having a rockin’ time with Dick Clark.
So to help out the football novices out there enjoy the game better, I sent out a mass email to some of the best minds in the sports business to provide a trenchant analysis of the big game.
Here’s the results:
John Finger – Comcast SportsNet/Raconteur
I think I watched three or four football games from start to end this year and they all involved the Giants, Patriots or Brett Favre. I like Favre because he seems crazy – not crazy like he should be institutionalized, or crazy like he painted the windows black and allowed a bunch of dogs kill each other. But crazy in a way that I bet he would drink a champagne glass mixed with whatever liquid was left on the table if there was enough cash in it. For instance, if we’re hanging out at a wedding with Brett and we combined a little champagne, a few floaters of beer, maybe a bit of a gin & tonic, eight olives and some sudsy bubbles left over from greeting the bride, I bet it would only take $11 to get him to drink the whole mix.
So yeah, I’m picking the Giants just to be different.
Todd Zolecki – Philadelphia Inquirer
Because Bill Belichick is such a humble guy, I can’t help but root for him.
Lance Crawford – Comcast SportsNet/mountain climber
I see the Giants keeping it close for 3 quarters, making one fatal mistake and losing by the final of 31-21.
Kevin Roberts – Camden Courier Post
I predict that during the halftime concert, Tom Petty will accidentally show a nipple. No one will care. On the field, the Patriots will win 87-2.
Courtney Holt – CSN/diva
The evil hoodie strikes again! Brady and his boot (not Giselle) strike early and often against crappy Giants secondary. Randy Moss finally gets a ring and is disappointed to find it’s not a good substitute for his bowl. Eli will rest his head in the space between Strahan’s teeth and sob for 3 minutes, then hits the Waffle House off of 101 North with his fraud brother where they shoot a commercial.
Jim Salisbury – Philadelphia Inquirer
The Pats will push the Giants off the elevator, 28-21.
Ellen Finger – teacher
You’re all winners!
Seeing as I am one of the many schmucks who works tirelessly to make sure No Child is EVER Left Behind, I would like to propose that the Giants and Patriots simply play football for three hours. Then, whichever team is behind when time runs out should get a chance to kick field goals until they catch up to the other team. Or, better yet, maybe they should play but not keep score. During huddles the defense should be told exactly what play the offense is going to run. And at the end everyone will get a Super Bowl ring, an endorsement with Wheaties, and boatload of self esteem.
Marcus Hayes – Philadelphia Daily News
With the eyes of the nation and his brother upon him, Eli Manning reverts to his pre-hypnotic state, channels Kerry Collins and throws four picks. Patriots 35, Giants 17.
Dennis Deitch – Delaware County Daily Times
Patriots 38, Giants 27… I love the Pats and Moss on the fast track, particularly because Maroney has been giving their running game a little credibility. But the oddsmakers are in the zone with the betting line. The Giants will score some points, although I could see 7 or 10 of them coming in the final five minutes when it doesn’t matter.
I like the over, of course. I also like prop bets for nine touchdowns scored (+750) and Todd Zolecki throwing a beer on a Giants fan in a first-half drunken rage at a Manayunk bar, then sprinting out the door to his home to avoid being pummeled (-110).
Scott Lauber – Wilmington News Journal
Giants 35, Patriots 32 … Eli Manning isn’t as bad as you think. Plus, it’s always more fun to pick the underdog.
Martin Frank – Wilmington News Journal
New England 38, NY Giants 17… I have no clever reason, or funny anecdote. I just think the Pats are much better than the Giants and now that Belichick has had 2 full weeks to spy on them, he’ll probably know every single play Eli Manning is going to run.