Wearing the suit

SchillingThere’s just something about Curt Schilling that just doesn’t fit. Maybe it’s the baseball uniform that makes him look unusually pale, dowdy and frumpy as if he were househusband from the Indianapolis suburbs. Surely Major League Baseball teams not only have the best and most artistic tailors on their staffs, but also hire stylists and Naomi Wolf to turn them all into the ultimate alpha-males covered in the latest fashions.

You know, like that guy Tom Cruise.

But since it’s baseball and it attracts C-list celebrities on crappy Fox shows, Tom Cruise is nowhere to be found. It’s more like that dude in the show “House,” who, truth be told, always looks like he’s a bit peeved about having to be on a show on Fox.

What are you going to do?

If you’re Curt Schilling you just pull on that uniform and deal with it. Oddly enough, though, Schilling’s Red Sox uniform is easily the most flattering. When he played for the Phillies, whose current unis debuted in 1992 and are becoming more and more tired looking that those ‘70s-styled maroon jobs that made Luzinski look like Philip Seymour Hoffman in a velvet shirt in Boogie Nights, Schilling looked as if he should be playing softball on a diamond behind the Holiday Inn on Packer Ave.

Boogie NightsBut doughy, stick-legged Curt with his body that he described as a “family curse,” really fooled with horizontal hold on TV sets across the country when he forced his trade to Arizona. With the Diamondbacks (the worst nickname in the game… just switch it to Snakes already) and their vest jerseys and purple pinstripes, Schilling looked as if he was set to audition as a reptile for a children’s television show. Or worse, those Arizona uniforms made Schilling look as if he was a purple bowtie and cummerbund away from a gig as an overfed male exotic dancer working in strip malls across the Rust Belt. I don’t know what his full stage name would be, though I’m pretty sure he might use the nom de guerre “Dash” in there somewhere. Like “Dash Fastball,” or maybe “Curty Dash,” or something like that. I don’t know how they come up with that stuff.

But yes, it’s a good thing he can throw a baseball.

It’s good that Schilling can throw a baseball because when he really puts on a bowtie and a cummerbund to go be seen at some ridiculousness like the ESPYs, a Dungeon & Dragons convention or a Bush rally; he can entertain us all by looking like the party crasher. You know, the guy with the look that says it’s just a matter of time before someone taps him on the shoulder and says, “Dude, you’re in over your head. Let’s go get you a trailer, a pair of cut-offs, a pack of Marlboros and a Kenny Chesney CD. Do you like the Olive Garden?”

Instead, he shows up, does his thing then shrugs his shoulders as if to say, “can you believe my life?” before stopping off on the way home to get the best Asian massage ever.

God bless that Curt Schilling. God bless him because he walked off the mound at Fenway in potentially his last game ever with the Red Sox having put them just 11 outs away from taking a 2-0 lead in the World Series over the Colorado Rockies. It would put the Red Sox two chilly night wins in Denver away from wrapping up their second World Series title in the last four seasons.

And certainly dowdy, gabby Curt would be more than an integral part of that. Imagine that – two World Series victories with the Boston Red Sox… the last pitcher to do that was Babe Ruth.

Babe Ruth and Curt Schilling… talk about style.

Speaking of the Red Sox, get this. My oldest son is 42 months old and could live in a world where the Red Sox have won two of the four World Series played in his lifetime. One of the other two was won by the White Sox, whose previous title was in 1917. My grandmother is going on 90 and she has been on this earth for the same number of White and Red Sox Series titles as my 3½-year old.

That’s weird, wild stuff.

Here’s one that I found in the Rocky Mountain Sports magazine newsletter the other day:

Comcast Colorado in Denver CEO, Scott Binder, won the title for 2007 Fittest CEO in the World in the CEO Ironman Challenge World Championship in Kona. Binder beat out 12 other CEOs who earned their spot to Kona at one of six CEO Ironman Challenge qualifying events held around the world.

I have to admit I’m a little jealous because I’d love to properly train for an Ironman. That would be so much fun. However, I have no interest in being a CEO or the boss of anything. My ego would be satisfied with just an Ironman… that’s enough.

2 thoughts on “Wearing the suit

  1. Kenny Chesney, Tom Cruise and Boogie Nights, and it’s a blog about Curt Schilling’s chubby self.

    No mention of his ripping of Tito or several local radio personalities?

  2. Yeah, we mentioned that when it occurred a couple of days ago. I live in a bubble so I’m not sure if it was big news elsewhere, though I discussed it briefly on a radio show on Thursday…

    Is there another point I’m missing?

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